Examination- 'Only way to golden door to bright future............is it really ? Part II

Every year during and after the examination many students contemplate or take the extreme step of taking their own life. Mostly it comes as a shock to parents and teachers.

Examination stress is real. Don’t assume that once the examination is over stress will go away on its own. Do not assume that “my child cannot harm himself/herself.”

It may not go away if the student develops psychological pain due to loss of self-esteem and failure to live up to parental expectations.

Suicidologist, Shneidmen, explained that “In almost every case, suicide is caused by… psychological pain, or “psycheache”…. Suicidal death, in other words, is an escape from pain….” Psychache is the hurt, anguish, or ache that takes hold in the mind…. The pain of excessively felt shame, guilt fear anxiety, loneliness, angst and dread…….. It’s introspective reality is undeniable. Suicide happens when the psychache is deemed unbearable and death is actively sought to stop the unceasing flow of painful consciousness.”

It’s is very important for parents, teachers and other significant people in student’s life to notice any warning signs and take help.

A marked change is student’s mood and behaviour may be a significant warning of possible suicide. For example student-  

·         Becomes depressed and withdrawn.

·         Undergoes marked decline in self-esteem.

·         Shows Deterioration in personal hygiene.

·         Shows unusually impulsive and or reckless behaviour, including self mutilating.

·         Gives away prized possessions, or unusual gift-giving.

·         Writes  stories and poems about death, dying, or suicide

·         Profound loss of interest in studies.

·         Stops attending classes and stays at home most of the day or runs away from home.

·         Communicates the distress to at least one other person, often in the form of a veiled suicide warning.

·         Saying things like, “I’d be better off dead,” “I wish I could disappear forever,” or “There’s no way out.”

·         Speaking positively about death or romanticizing dying (“If I died, people might love me more”)

The impact of examination stress increases many fold if there are other stressful events happening in the student’s life like loss of a close interpersonal relationship, often the breakup of a romantic relationship, accident, illness or death in the  family etc.

So it’s high time to come out of denial that your child or student will never think about taking the extreme step.

Our awareness can save many precious lives.

Reference: Abnormal Psychology- James N. Butcher ; 13^th ed.

     

Examination- ‘Only way to golden door to bright future’……………Is it really?

The word Examination itself creates a lot of stress and anxiety in the minds of young adults, their parents and teachers.

The most affected are the young adults. They start dealing with this, right from the time they begin their schooling. By the time they reach high school, examination-related stress, anxiety and tension increase multiple folds.

• Examinations are stressful because students have to understand, learn, remember and recall a lot of information in a limited time.

• Examinations are stressful because students and not just their knowledge will be judged based on their performance in those just three hours in the examination hall.

• Examinations are stressful because of the expectations of the parents, relatives and society and the pressures built up by them.

• Examinations are stressful because of the personal aspirations, expectations of students and the prevailing extreme competition.  

• Examinations are stressful as these are assumed to be the only way to open the golden doors to a bright and successful future.

Parents and teachers in their effort to motivate and maintain the pressure on students constantly tell them that -

If you score well your life will be set.

If you don’t work hard, others will outshine you.

If you don’t perform well in exams you will struggle all through your life.

What people will say if you don’t do well in exams?

           

You have to perform well in exams and bring honour to the family.

You have to score well and fulfil our dreams.

You are our only hope, don’t disappoint us.

Our neighbour’s/relative’s children have done well so you have to do well too.

If you are not able to get an admission in a professional college what will you do to earn a respectable income?

These and other such anxiety and guilt ridden statements may usually be bombarded on the young and impressionable minds, as early as in the first grade.

Some students who are either sensitive, or think they do not have enough capability to meet their parents’ expectations, or do not have an inclination to become a doctor or an engineer may start feeling guilty.

Constant persuasive reminders to perform well in exams may lead them to feel worthless, helpless and hopeless.

As a result these students may start contemplating to end their pain by ending their lives.

As parents, teachers and relatives, if you are able to remove the pain of those students, you may be able to save many precious and promising lives.

The foremost step you can take is to challenge your own deep-rooted insecurities and unrealistic expectations. World has drastically changed. There are so many options and opportunities. Team up with your children and explore the possibilities in the area of their interest.

The other step you can take is to find out positive ways to motivate your young ones. Instilling fear of failure may demoralize and discourage the youth. It may also affect their creativity, spontaneity and risk taking ability.

Examination stress is real. Don’t assume that once the examination is over your child will be fine or assume that ‘my child cannot harm himself/herself.’

Every year hundreds of students commit suicide. In most of the cases it comes as a shock to parents and teachers. Know about the warning signs and be alert. A timely intervention may save the life of your child.

Continued……….

MORAL DEVELOPMENT......................

In today’s competitive and complex world parents and teachers constantly think as to how they can inculcate right values and morals in children.

Moral development is a gradual process. Like intelligence it evolves in stages. Kohlberg, a renowned development psychologist identified six stages of moral development.

Stages evolve when children directly or indirectly encounter moral dilemmas and they seriously think about those ethical issues to find answers.

There is no direct way to teach children to think ethically so that they can move to the next stage of moral development. Children’s ability to understand, analyze and resolve the ethical issues will move them from one stage to the next stage.

Parents, teachers, peers and significant others can stimulate children’s mental processes to think about moral and ethical issues.

Authority, pressure /power to conform and fear of punishment hinder moral development. Children may conform to others but they will not be able to develop their own reasoning of what is right or wrong.

Integrity and character develop in a democratic environment. Such environment gives the opportunities to children to discuss their view- points. Children also learn that others may have their own point of views which may be different from theirs.

 Social interactions give them the opportunity to see things from a different perspective. They learn to accept and respect diversity. They become more accommodating and cooperative.

In the process of their moral development they challenge, modify and develop their own thinking. They can achieve the highest level of moral development when they start to discuss and stand for universal justice, human rights and equality.

Like children, societies and nations also go through similar stages of moral development.

We can assess the stage of development by analyzing the justification given for the resolution of ethical or moral dilemma.

Those who are at stage one will obey the authority, assuming that authority is always right. Not conforming to authority is wrong and that may lead to punishment.

Those at stage two understand that any issue can have multiple perspectives. So it is important to protect one’s own interests. They may negotiate and exchange favours.

Those who are at stage three also think about the interests of people who are close to them. They think about themselves as members of a particular community which has its own values, norms and culture.

The ones at stage four think about society as a whole. They believe in following laws for the smooth functioning of the society.

Those at stage five think and discuss about values and principles. They believe in changing the rules of the society if they are obsolete and doing no good to society.

The ones at stage six think and discuss about values and principles which are beyond the boundaries of their own community, society and even nation. They believe in universal principles of equality, rights, respect and dignity.

Unlike intelligence, moral development is an ongoing process. One may remain stuck at lower stages or one may move to higher stages at any time in their lives. One can do that by expanding one’s social circle, meeting new people, visiting new places, reading literature, listening to other’s experiences, discussing ideas and challenging one’s own thinking.

This is true for people, communities, societies and nations.

Relationships Misconceptions

Loving relationships are important part of our lives and we try to nurture these in our own ways.

But sometimes our unrealistic expectations and misconceptions defeat our relationships.

R.M. Gilbert, in his book "Extraordinary Relationships" mentioned some common expectations and misconceptions-

• The other person will make me happy.

• I can change the other.

• Emotionally mature person must be cold and unfeeling.

• It is my right to respond from my emotions to my partner’s anxiety.

• This relationship will never get any better.

• I have changed myself all I can and things aren’t any better.

• Whenever one “needs” to talk it out or get feelings out, the
other must agree to listen.

• Excessive worry about the past- your own or the other
person’s- is often defeating to relationships.

• If you don’t love me like my mother did, you don’t love me.

• I can cut off from my extended family and still have good
relationships.

COMMUNICATION ERROR..........

'Blame'

Blaming is a very common communication error. We all blame and get blamed for what we have said or done.

Blaming ourselves or blaming others may help to reduce mental pressure right away but after some time the pressure will rebuild. 

Here are some of the disadvantages of blaming.

1. Blaming does not change anything. It does not change us, does not change the other person, and does not change the situation.

2. We may get trapped in our own anger. Anger blocks our rational thinking and we may remain stuck in the past.

3. Constant hostility may affect out mental and physical health.

4. We may start considering ourselves as victims and may start feeling helpless and hopeless.

5. We may lose the trust and confidence to make decisions (self blame) or the confidence and trust in the decisions of others (blaming others).

6. Constant complaining and resentment interferes with our ability to maintain and grow our relationships.

7. Blaming prevents us from analyzing the situation and assessing what could have been done differently to prevent it. We are not able to learn from our experience.

8. Due to the fear of making the same mistake again, we may stop taking risks like trying to do new things, meeting new people, developing new friendships, exploring ourselves.

9. Blaming also stops us to understand the perspective of others and to reconnect with them.

I am sure there can be more disadvantages of blaming that anyone can narrate from one’s experience.

Blaming may have its own benefits. Without any benefit why would anyone blame?

Let us find it out-

When we blame we actually put the responsibility on someone else for the situation. 

The advantage is, we don’t have to work on ourselves to change and we can remain the same as we are now for days, months and years to come.

When we blame ourselves then we can refuse to take any responsibility in future and thus we need not make any effort or change ourselves.

Blaming make us feel like a victim. To deal with these feelings we can take revenge or can self-soothe by overeating, drinking or using drugs and we don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed for our behaviour.

Blaming also gives justification for our emotional outbursts and hostility and may easily win the sympathy of others.

We can gossip, say nasty things and feel powerful and in control.

In short as a victim of circumstances or other people, whenever we want to feel good about ourselves we can gossip, criticize, take advantage of others, show emotional outbursts, overeat, drink and use drugs without feeling guilty at all.

We don’t have to make any efforts to change ourselves or the situation, don’t have to take any responsibility, and don’t have to take any risks.

Life becomes very predictable and we can feel very safe.

Now--

Are these really advantages? what are your thoughts?

THINGS WORK OUT- EDGAR.A.GUEST !!

EXAM ANXIETY..... relaxation Techniques

Relaxation Techniques:

Deep-Muscle-Relaxation : When we are tense or anxious, we feel stiffness in our muscles. Deep-Muscle-Relaxation technique will help you relax your muscles and release your tension. It is a very flexible technique and you can do it anytime and anywhere. You can decide to relax your whole body or a particular group of muscle. The detailed process is mentioned in my earlier article, Deep-Muscle-Relaxation

Take printout of the chart and keep it handy.  

Stretching Exercises: We all have learnt these in our schools. These are very simple exercises yet very effective to tone your muscles. Stretching your arms up and keeping your legs apart, standing like in a winning position actually boosts your self-confidence. Try it and you may also feel the same!!

Jogging: For some of you, light jogging may help relax and your mind and body. Remember not to exhaust yourself.

There are multiple other techniques to reduce your tension. Make a list of activities you really like to do and spend some time doing those in your ‘defined break-time.’ 

But always remember you are more important than your exam score !!!