ANGER AND THE MYTH

Anger is a normal emotion like happiness and sadness. We all feel angry sometimes as we all feel happy and sad.

The intensity of these emotions depends on how we perceive the current situation and on how we evaluate our past experiences.

But how we express these emotions depends on us. We may think that our behavior is a spontaneous reaction of how we feel at that time and that we don’t have any control over it and that anyone would have responded in the similar way in that particular situation.

But if you observe closely this is not the reality. Not every person who is feeling angry behaves aggressively.

Aggressive behavior is a choice, intended to get control of the situation or the person. In other words, a person who feels threatened or out of control behaves aggressively.

So aggression is not a sigh of strength. People who are in the martial arts or who are in the army may agree that they are trained to act and not react.

A person can show direct physical and verbal aggression towards other person/s or s/he may use/show passive-aggression. Any kind of aggression, direct or passive, is an abuse; physical, verbal or emotional.

I have read many quotes which say that people who use bad language, or in other words abusive language are clear at heart. Do you agree? If yes then think again.

I would say that aggressive people are those who have not learnt good coping skills. In challenging situations, they feel angry and helpless.

To overcome these feelings of helplessness and in an effort to take control of the situation or the person/s they use aggression. Then they use their ‘Large-Heartedness’ as an excuse to justify their aggressive/abusive behavior.

They also blame the other person/s for their aggressive behavior.

“I love you so much but you always make me mad. When I am mad I cannot think and I hurt you”, is a very common statement in domestic violence cases.

So next time when you hear anyone saying or you read anywhere that aggressive or abusive people are large hearted, think again.

Rather,there is high probability that someone else is suffering due to the aggressive behavior of such people and needs help.

There is no justification for aggression or abuse. FULL STOP !!

LEADERSHIP- A humanistic perspective.

In today’s corporate world, there is a lot of buzz about two words, Professionalism and Leadership.

For a majority of people, one aspect of being professional is to act in a defined and expected manner, even if they are experiencing something else at that moment.  

For them, being professional means to have the ability to wear a mask, or may be many masks, every day;  mask of being perfect, mask of being strong, mask of being practical, mask of being hard task master and most importantly mask of being not having feelings and emotions at the work place.

I am not sure if this facade is of any help to the person, maybe or maybe not.

But one thing is sure that this must be creating lots of pressure and stress on the person. It is not easy experiencing in one way and acting in a different way. The situation becomes more challenging when the person starts identifying with the masks. He thinks his masks are real.

With time this person with different masks, starts leading people. 

As far as I understand about leadership, it is a helping profession. A leader helps his team members to grow and develop their potentials. A leader achieves this goal by developing a genuine and trusting relationship with his team members.

Now the question is, can this person, who is disconnected with his inner-self, be able to develop a genuine and trusting relationship with others? When he is not, he fails to achieve his leadership goal.

As per Rogers, a renowned humanistic psychologist, there are three fundamental conditions for all helping professions.

Empathy

Unconditional positive regard

 Genuineness.  

These conditions are actually the attitude of the helper towards himself and towards the person he helps.

A helper can only help if he is able to accept himself as he is. In Rogers words, “a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which he/she would like to function.”

He understands that a person cannot change unless he/she thoroughly accepts what he/she is now.

Once that acceptance is there change comes naturally.

A helper then shows this acceptance towards others whom he is helping.

People stop pretending to be someone else if they feel understood and accepted. They gradually drop their masks and move towards self awareness, personal growth and self actualization.

When a parent develops a relationship with his/her child based on the attitude of warmth, genuineness and acceptance, the child becomes ‘self-directing’, ‘socialized’, and ‘mature.’

When a teacher develops a relationship with his student based on this attitude, the student becomes ‘self-sufficient’, self-initiator’, ‘confident’ and self-disciplined.

When a leader creates such a relationship within his organization, his team becomes more ‘responsible’, more ‘creative’, more ‘adaptive to change’ and more ‘cooperative.’

As Rogers pointed out, this masked professionalism is actually interfering in developing genuine relationship with others and as a result affecting the growth of individuals and organizations.

It will be a real achievement if people are able to learn those core and fundamental principles of trusting relationship with self and others.

Reference: ‘ON BECOMING A PERSON’ by Carl R. Rogers.

COUPLE THERAPY- Emotionally Focused

It’s one of the first brief couple therapies that uses emotion and attachment to understand and to deal with the couple’s problems. EFT considers “Emotions as the Music of a Couple’s Dance.”

EFT assumes that relationship problems are perpetuated by rigid negative interaction patterns that reflect emotional states of fear and anger. The negative interaction patterns contain maladaptive behaviors that are attachment insecurities resulting in separation distress. EFT explains that affect and interaction form a reciprocally determining and self-reinforcing feedback loop.

A healthy close relationship is defined in terms of secure attachment bond. Distress in relationship is related to attachment insecurity. Insecurely attached individuals either heightened expression of anger and distress and aggressively demand reassurance or they disengage and minimize expression of distress. Relationships-distress perspective of EFT is well authenticated by research.

The main goal of EFT is to reprocess experience and recognize interactions in order to create new cycles of secure bonding that will increase partners’ ability to regulate emotions.

To bring this change, EFT therapist performs some main tasks that culminate in creating a safe and collaborative alliance. By assessing and expanding the emotional responses, the therapist guide the couple’s interactions in the direction of mutual accessibility and responsiveness.

Several steps are involved in this therapy. In EFT building of therapeutic alliance and assessment go hand in hand. By showing empathy and genuineness, the therapist actively intervenes in the interactional process of the couple. As a result a de-escalation process begins. For example, the demanding and blaming partner becomes less reactive while the passive partner becomes more engaged.

In the next stage, there occurs an interactional position shift and new bonding event occurs. The withdrawn passive partner starts taking risk of expression of wants and needs, becoming more emotionally involved. Throughout the process, EFT uses reflection and validation.

At the third stage, the therapist’s goal is consolidation and integration of the changes into everyday life of the couple. This is done by the replays and feedback that slow down the process. The partners ultimately develop more positive perception of each other.

COLLABORATIVE COUPLE THERAPY (CCT)

CCT assumes that in a relationship every moment provides opportunity for intimacy, but problem arises when partners do not confide with each other their thoughts and feelings and engage in compensatory fall-back measures.

CCT also assumes that relationships undergo shifts of cycles. When partners are confiding, they are in ‘empathetic cycle’, when not confiding they are in the ‘withdrawal cycle’ and when they are not confiding and are also blaming they are in the ‘adversial cycle.’

CCT thus differentiates between distressed couples and healthy couples on the basis of time spent in the last two cycles and their ability to return to the collaborative phase.

The role of a therapist is unique in this therapy. The therapist let him/ her get affected by the negative interaction pattern of the couple and undergoes negative cycles. He again and again pulls himself/ herself out from the negative cycles. During this process the therapist is able to find out the inner struggle of the clients that has resulted in the symptomatic behavior.

In CCT, the therapist sometimes serves as the spokesperson of each partner. The therapist encourages the partners to express their inner thoughts and feelings, but when they are not able to do this, he does on their behalf. This helps the partners to understand each other.

CCT Points that when the partners’ are able to express their thoughts and feelings; positive and negative, of the moment on a day-to-day basis their relationship strengthens.

The goal of CCT is to increase the expression of thoughts and feelings between partners. CCT defines intimacy as letting you partner know who you are at the moment. Expression of thoughts and feelings creates a joint platform for the partners to deal with their issues collaboratively. So the partners become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

Sometimes when partners are difficult to engage in collaborative talk, the CCT helps them to do so after sometime i.e. by holding the recovery conversation.

CCT can also be used as a preventive measure for the well functioning couples. Teaching then to engage in their inner struggle or self- conversation will help them to understand themselves and their feelings and will also help in realizing their partner’s perspective. 

Couple Therapy- Addressing Depression....

Depression is very common in today’s world. It affects not only the individual who has it, but also the partner and other members of their family.

The impact of depression varies depending on the severity of depression. Some couples suffer badly because of one partner’s major depression. They are either living parallel lives or are living separately. If they have children the latter are the worst affected. Such couples get caught in a vicious circle in such a way that untreated depression deteriorates their relationship and deteriorating relationship aggravates depression and hopelessness. At some stage it becomes difficult to pinpoint the actual cause and effect.

Major depression continues to reoccur and it becomes a life-time challenge, taxing the couple emotionally, financially and socially.

It has been observed that individual or partner-involved therapy may not be effective in major depression. Couple therapy, especially Behaviour Couple Therapy  may, however, prove effective since it takes into account the reciprocity of relationship distress and depression. It aims to change the relationship to alleviate depression. BCT is based on the reasoning that thinking, feeling and behaviour are inter-related and a change in one brings a change in the other two. Since behaviour is observable and measurable, BCT stresses to change the behaviour. It focuses on changing the communication, problem-solving skills, cognitive functioning and intimacy.

BCT assumes that depression develops when people do not get an appropriate positive reinforcement after showing the desired behaviour. Various experiments have demonstrated that performance level decreases when the organism fails to get a certain reward that it used to get earlier. Depression also develops when people are not able to avoid aversive stimuli. Experiments have proved that an animal develops helplessness when his instrumental behaviour fails to terminate an aversive stimulus.

BCT focuses on changing the relationship patterns of couples which may have caused helplessness and hopelessness and so indirectly it treats the depression. BCT also collaborates with pharmacological treatment if symptoms are severe and there are safety issues.

The assessment process of BCT is very intensive. The therapist assesses both; the relationship functioning and individual functioning. The assessment is rather an intervention in itself as the therapist tries to create positive feelings and hope in the couple. BCT applies various techniques to have a clear cut assessment of the severity of the problem. Therapist interacts with the couple, asks questions, takes history, and enquires about their future plans. He/she also talks to each partner separately. In addition therapist uses various self-report questionnaires.

Since BCT acknowledges that  all these techniques have their own limitations to give accurate data as depressed people have pessimistic view about themselves and others, so it asserts to rely on the clinical observation of the therapist for the final conclusion. Therapist actually utilizes negative appraisals in determining the cognitive patterns and the areas of dissatisfaction of each partner.

In the last part of assessment,  the therapist shares the observation and assessment with the couple, conveys to them the importance of their role in the treatment process, gives rationale of BCT and set certain rules for the treatment sessions. Of the two main rules; first is that till the treatment is over they will postpone any plans for separation and the second is that they will not keep any secrets from each other.

All techniques of BCT are well structured. Sometimes giving some psycho-education is also helpful. Positive reinforcement is given after thorough investigations.

BCT also stresses on communication. This is very important because depressed people are passive and they avoid interaction. Partners are also trained to resolve small problems together and are encouraged to resolve complex issues.

BCT is an optimistic approach. When it is used in collaboration with medical therapy it can give significant positive results. 

Couple Therapy- Addressing Illness.

A ‘Bio-Psycho-Social’ model is found very effective in helping couples coping with medical problems.

This model suggests that all the three factors, biological, psychological and social, play significant roles both in health and disease.

In many cultures a connection of mind and body has been well recognized since long. That is why several techniques to strengthen mind and will-power are in vogue.

Similarly, the contribution of community or social support is also well recognized in the healing process.

The role of a family therapist is of great importance here. All over the world people take the help of a therapist in dealing with issues related with disease and illness.

In the above model, the couple is considered as a ‘unit of care’. So the focus is on the couple and not just on the individual who is coping with the disease. In case of a chronic illness, a successful management depends on how well the couple is able to adapt to the prevailing conditions. Some illnesses demand major shift in roles and lifestyles and that may create a lot of stress on the couple.

The main task of the therapist is to assess the level of functioning of the couple. For this, a lot of information is collected by the therapist. He directly communicates with the patient and the partner and talks about their perception about the disease, their current challenges and losses. He encourages them to tell the story of their illness. For them, hearing each other’s experiences is very therapeutic in itself. The therapist also collects couple’s history of the disease, their earlier ways to deal with disease and illness, their current fears and expectations etc. The therapist may also take the help of other professionals to collect data and genograms. All this information not only helps the therapist but also the couple to better understand them in the light of current situation.

This model of therapy generally presents two goals; the first one is helping the couple accept that the illness is there and that they both have to deal with it as a team that requires active involvement and commitment. The therapist helps them to know what is in their control and what is not. This type of understanding reduces their sense of helplessness. The second goal is to create a social support system for the couple, both within the family and the community in general.

The therapist also facilitates communication among the partners, between the couples and the health care system and between the couple and social support system. A lack of communication must not come in the way because it aggravates the problem and the recovery. The therapist, therefore, 

arranges sessions with friends, extended family members and other families facing similar problems. 

With this kind of therapy, the couple is able to take charge of their lives and develops a way to live a ‘new’ normal life by ‘putting illness in its place.’

The therapist also discusses the principles of ‘keep the doors open’ of brief psychotherapy with couples to give them a sense of security that whenever they need they can contact and take help of their therapist.

Couple Therapy- Addressing Separation & Divorce.

Separation and divorce are very sensitive issues. For a couple seeking separation or divorce and even for therapist, it’s a delicate matter.

For a therapist divorce is a process and not an event. This is more true if the couple has children.

Therapist considers separation and divorce as a transition and so his/her first task is to ascertain whether this transition is avoidable or not.

Whatever the couple decides, to stay together or separate, the therapist’s first focus is on improving communication and increasing understanding between the partners. This process provides the opportunity of reconciliation between the partners for deciding to stay together but this also creates an environment for emotional and psychological healing should the partners separate.

Generally, the desire to separate is not mutual and so it has to be recognized that there is a ‘Leaver’ and a ‘Left’ partner and the therapist has to deal with an imbalance of emotions of the partners.  

In case the couple decides to separate, the goal of therapy becomes making partners realize the importance of developing a mutual relationship based on acceptance and forgiveness.

In a way, it is to make the couple understand that divorce does not mean an end of relationship, rather it means re-relating to each other but in a different way, especially so when children are involved.

Separation of parents is very stressful for children. But when partners separate in the above mentioned way, children adjust much faster and may agree that their parents have done the right thing.

In situations where partners lose all respect and love for each other, when there is verbal, physical and mental abuse and there is no hope to regain love and respect, divorce is justifiable. Such separations are rather beneficial for children.

It is a fact that therapeutic mediation helps couples to have a successful transition so that there are minimal psychological after-effects of separation.