CONNECTING WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT !!

Let us discuss some of the ways parents can connect with their adolescents and learn to deal with the issues together.

Adolescence stage is a very crucial stage both for the youth and for the parents. In this crucial stage it is very important to keep the channels of communication open. 

Since the youth are already struggling with so many things, like creating their own identity, becoming independent, thinking about the future, working towards academic goals, developing new skills, pursuing new interests,  expanding their social circle, facing new challenges, celebrating their achievements, dealing with setbacks and failures  etc.etc. The list is very long.

So it comes to parents to find out ways to stay connected with their adolescents and help them in their journey to adulthood.

Here are some of the suggestions:

1.       Join them in their pursuit of developing new interest/s: It may be possible that your adolescents develop liking for something which is new for you or may be very different from your own interests. So what can you do in this situation? The best thing you can do is to join them. Spend time with them and learn and understand their interests. Let them be your teacher. Help them and guide them to get more detailed information and if possible training in the field.

2.       Dream sharing: Talk to them about your interests when you were of their age. This will help your youth to open up and discuss about their interests and aspirations. This will also give them opportunity to learn about other options.

3.       Following family rituals: Rituals create a system and bonding in the family. Rituals are something that the family does together. Celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and festivals together are some of the common rituals. Each family can create its own ritual to connect. A family can decide to pray together in the morning, or having breakfast or dinner together, greeting each other when leaving for the day or coming back home. So this could be anything. The sole purpose is to connect with each other every day.

4.       Welcome young guests: At this stage adolescents expand their social circle. The circle mostly includes friends who share their interests, values and thoughts. Welcome your child’s friends at home as you welcome your own. Let them enjoy and do activities together. Their presence and their way of interaction with each other will let you know whom and how your child is socializing.

5.       Be available: Talk to your adolescents when they come to you to discuss something.  When you give them undivided attention then they develop the trust that they can reach out to you for support anytime for anything.

6.       Be an active listener: Pay undivided attention to your adolescent when they are talking to you. Be empathetic and supportive. Give them emotional support.Help them weigh their choices and evaluate their decisions. Help them resolve their issues.

7.       Help them develop adult connections/friendships: In the growing stage, adolescents look outside their immediate family for support. Help your adolescents to develop a strong bonding with an adult on whom they can depend . This could be an adult from the extended family, a teacher, a coach or a family friend. 

8.       Have fun together: Do something which you all enjoy together. May be a family outing, or playing outdoor or indoor games together. Involve your adolescents in the planning and execution.  

9.       Don’t forget to appreciate them: Your adolescents are trying new things and developing new skills. They must be making mistakes and they may fail in their ventures also. They must be showing emotional outbursts and disagreement. But they must have been doing a lot which is appreciable. So don’t miss the chance to bless them, give them a hug and show your affection and appreciation. Do celebrate their wins!!

There are many other ways parents have adopted to connect with their adolescents over the years.

Let me know how you do it !!

WHY FRIENDSHIP ?

It’s not a friendship day per say. But today I will delve on friendship and its’ profound and complex effect on our lives.

Like any other relationship, friendship also has its bright and dark sides.

Today, however, let me take only the bright side!!

Did you think about someone when you read this Nigerian quote on friend given alongside? 

This question is for everyone and age is no bar. I am sure your answer is yes! 

If not, then it’s high time for you to find a true friend since I am going to tell you about the social, psychological and physiological benefits of having a good friendship.

Parents introduce toddlers to outside world which is mainly comprised of people like them, viz. other toddlers. They are asked and sometimes pushed to play and share. Some of them do it willingly and excitedly but some take time. It does not matter how much time a child takes to mingle and play happily with other children, but s/he learns the very first lesson that if s/he wants to play with other children s/he has to “share.”

Researchers have found that half of the children who are referred for emotional and behavioral problems have no friends or face difficulty in peer interactions.

As children grow they start learning new skills. Friendship gives them the platform to practice those skills. Observe children playing, you can see them giving constructive feedback, encouragement and most of the times practical demonstrations to each other.

Friendship plays a very crucial role during preteen and teen age. At this time most of the children start cutting off from their families and try to create their own independence and identity. It’s a very important phase of life and very complex too. In this stage of life, children look for someone outside their families, especially a friend/s for their emotional needs. They share their feelings and thoughts with one another and in this process learn to develop trusting and affectionate relationships. They learn to empathize, care and support one another.

When the entire world, sometimes including the parents of the teenagers, see them confused, rebellious or weird, friends give each other unconditional regard and acceptance. They learn to forgive and forget and most importantly to say sorry if they realize they have hurt their friend/s.

People think that they do not need friends when they grow up. However, we need friends in every age. Within your friends circle, you can be you. Friendship gives you a space to reconnect with yourself. In that space you are not someone’s partner, parent or employee; you are you. At this stage of life friends inspire each other to achieve their goals, resolve each other’s issues and conflicts, comfort each other in their testing times and keep each other’s secrets which they cannot share with their respective families. You can think of friendship as “Freud Couch” where you can have the cathartic release of your emotions!

It’s been observed in studies that people who have strong friendship bonds and have good support system have better pain tolerance and a stronger immune system. Friendship seems to reduce their risk of developing feelings of loneliness, helplessness and depression.

Friendship practically works as a healer. So, today talk to at least one of your friends!

Remember to “Hold on to a true friend with both hands.” If you don’t you will lose a confider, admirer, supporter, critic, adviser, mediator, and most importantly a counselor !

UNDERSTANDING GRIEF.................

Losing someone or something very important triggers an intense and overwhelming emotion known as grief. 

People grieve when a loved one dies, or when they or someone they love is diagnosed with a terminal illness, or when their relationship falls apart, or they get separated from someone they loved, or they lose a job or a career, or when they move away from their homes, states and countries. 

The list is very long. So where there is a loss there is grief.

The intensity of grief depends on the ‘sense of loss’ one experiences. It is very personal. No one can define how much one should feel the loss and grief in a particular situation. How people express their grief is also very personal.

Grieving is a process; it cannot be hastened, it cannot be controlled by medicines and directed by mourning rituals.  There is no set pattern of this process and there is no timelines. For some people grief lasts only for a few days while for others it many last for months or even years and for some it may be an off-and-on process.

Some people consider grief as a negative emotion. They think if people learn to ignore it, their pain of loss will go away on its own. Actually, the more you ignore it, the more painful it becomes. It is very important to accept your grief and deal with it actively. This will help in healing the pain.

People express their grief differently. Feeling sad, frightened and lonely is natural when someone or something very important is lost. 

Some people express their pain through crying. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is just a way of expression of loss. In fact, not crying, when you really want to, is a sign of weakness. 

On the other hand, not crying does not mean that you are not feeling the pain of loss. However, it only means that you might have other ways of expressing your grief.

Psychologists have defined 5 stages of grieving process based on their observations of different reactions and responses of people who have gone through this process.

These five stages are not fixed and not all the people go through these in a set sequential way.  As mentioned earlier, grieving is very personal and so is it’s process. People may move back and forth in these stages and may or may not be able to come out of the grieving process.

However, the understanding of different stages helps the care-givers to provide appropriate help to the griever. You may think of these stages as the tools for the helper.

Here are the five stages or types of responses towards loss.

Denial and shock: 

This is the first stage of grief. When something bad happens, there is disbelief, numbness and nothingness. These are immediate and spontaneous defense responses towards shock. These responses protect the person and help her/him bear the loss. These responses work as filters and only allow that information which s/he can cope with.

Once s/he starts asking questions and let more information in, these defense-responses become weak and s/he gets aware of the loss. This awareness leads to the acceptance of reality and the person moves to the next stage of grief, which is anger.

Anger:  

The actual feelings behind anger are the feelings of abandonment or desertedness or rejection or breach of trust and faith.

This stage is very necessary in the healing process. When the person feels angry, it is a sign that s/he is out from the stage of numbness and nothingness. S/he reconnects with the loss and with others. Anger gives the way out to her/his pain. Once the pain is reduced, the person moves to the third stage of bargaining.

Bargaining:  

In this stage the person thinks about the circumstances and the reasons which had led to her/his loss. S/he thinks about all the bargains s/he should have done to prevent the loss. S/he may try to bargain with God and wish God will set the things right once again. 

S/he may try to bargain with current pain. You must have seen many people start doing something that can reduce their pain and fill the vacuum the loss has created in their lives. They may indulge in constructive or destructive behavior.  But, destructive behavior like indulging in drugs and alcohol may worsen the pain and obstruct the healing process.

Depression: 

The more the person gets connected with reality, the more s/he feels the loss. There are feelings of emptiness and void that lead to depression. It is important to know that this depression is not the clinical depression. 

In this stage grief enters into a deeper level. The person may withdraw from life, there are intense feelings of sadness and s/he wonders how she/he will carry on with life. S/he may even question the need to carry on with life.

Acceptance: 

This is the last stage of grief process. Acceptance does not mean that everything becomes normal once again. Acceptance means that the person has learnt to live again. S/he has established the new normal for example s/he has taken up new roles and responsibilities, established now connections, and developed new meaningful relationships. S/he has evolved and has changed as a person.

In case of loss of a loved one, sometimes person develops a sense of guilt also. When s/he starts living a normal life, s/he may think she/her is betraying the loved-one and gets confused whether s/he should feel happy again or not. Some people are never able to overcome these feelings of guilt and are not able to live a peaceful life. Society also plays an important role here in the readjustment of the person after the loss of a loved one.

A Reminder-

Not all the people go through all the stages and in the same sequence. People move back and forth and may or may not be able to come out of their grief. Some people say that grief only changes its form but it remains there with them.  It may not be painful anymore but it is still with them in the form of memories.