REVISITING RELATIONSHIPS...........(Negative Emotions-part- II)

Revisiting Relationships………….

Starting a relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!

This statement may appear negative but this is what relationships are, learning to live with each other.

Each partner has some expectations from the other. But when expectations are not met, disagreement and conflict arise. This is very normal. Even in happy relationships partners experience negative emotions. How partners react and resolve the disagreement and conflict determines the quality of their relationship.

As mentioned in the previous blog on Revisiting Relationship, harsh start of an argument and criticism block the way of effective conflict resolution.

This is how it happens. One partner criticizes, over-generalizes the behavior, (“you always”, “you never”) judges and blames the other partner for the current and all previous conflicts in the relationship.

The other partner becomes defensive and counter-attacks the first partner. This counter-attack triggers a chain reaction of counter-attacks.

It the process partners forget to resolve the issue. This unresolved issue then acts as a reinforcer for future criticism and counter-attacks.

Defensiveness damages the relationship as partners refuse to take the responsibility of the conflict.

Sometimes the one who is being attacked may take the responsibility of mistake, passes the blame on the partner for not stopping him/her from making the mistake. Attacked partner plays the role of an “Innocent Victim.” This could be as simple as--

“I forgot to buy grocery because you did not remind me.” 

In a relationship when there are frequent attacks and counter-attacks then at some point one of the partners emotionally withdraws for the interactions and stonewalls; another horsemen of destruction.

Researchers have found that men stonewall and women criticize more.

Men usually use stonewalling to reduce the intensity of conflict. When women stonewall then it is a clear indication that she has emotionally disengaged herself from the relationship.

In all relationships partners make mistakes, they don’t fulfill all the expectations all the time, they criticize, they defend themselves and they stonewall.

But the quality of their relationship depends on how effectively they repair the damage.

In a way, “no-negative-emotion” may suggest disengaged partners. Partners, who have suppressed their conflicts, frustrations and sadness. They are like strangers living under the same roof but leading parallel lives.

The most damaging horseman of destruction is contempt.

Criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling can be repaired but when contempt comes in, it destroys the mutual bond of trust, love and respect.

Contempt is a strong feeling of disapproval of one’s partner with a tinge of disgust. One of the partners may consciously or sub-consciously feel that his/her partner is below standard and it is no need to give attention and show concern & respect.

Contempt is expressed in so many ways. It is conveyed through teasing, sarcasm, insult, name-calling, hostile humor, facial expressions, tone of voice, and rolling one’s eyes.

An example of hostile humor is “you are a jerk, you cannot even do this.”

Relationships are bundle of positive and negative emotions. The core of fulfilling relationship is mutual respect. If partners respect each other then they can deal with negative emotions.