A man went to a marriage therapist………
Man- “Whenever my wife and I fight, she becomes historical.”
Therapist- “You mean she becomes hysterical.”
Man- “No, she becomes historical. She recalls everything I did
wrong in the past.”
Do you relate to this man? Do you feel that this is exactly
what happens when you have a tiff with your partner?
If yes, then let it be known you are not alone. There are so
many couples who feel the same way. Rather every couple faces communication
challenges in their relationship.
People have difference of opinion, difference in choices,
difference in perceiving things, and difference in doing things. The basic
reason that people differ in so many ways is that they are separate individuals
and so they are bound to be different from each other.
When two individuals join in a relationship, they bring
their uniquenesses with them. Someone rightly pointed out that ‘starting a
relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!’
Relationships are a bundle of positive and negative emotions.
Absence of negative emotions is not an indicator of loving relationship. Rather
it is a sign that something is not right.
In fact, how couples express and deal
with their negative emotions determines the quality of their relationship to a
great extent.
All partners have certain expectations from each other. When
one partner does not respond or act in the expected way the other partner feels
frustrated/ irritated/ angry.
Now the first partner reacts in either ways-
1. He/she brings up the matter and discusses it
with the other partner and both together resolve the issue.
2. He/she suppresses the negative emotions and does
not discuss the matter with his/her partner.
3. He/she brings up the issue and to support
his/her point, start giving examples from the past and start blaming and judging
the other partner like “you always”, “you
never.”
The first way is the
ideal way.
The second way seems like a good way to maintain the harmony,
but actually in the long run may create emotional distance between partners.
The last way, as mentioned in the earlier article is one of
the horsemen of destruction, which is criticism.
Researchers have found that when one partner starts the
argument in a harsh way and criticizes and blames the other partner then the other
partner becomes defensive and may emotionally withdraw from the first partner.
If partners learn to complain about the specific behavior
of the partner rather than blaming and criticizing the partner then they can
effectively deal with their differences.
I know the suggestion is easier said than followed.
Take one step towards a more loving and fulfilling relationship!!
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