For loving Parents and Teachers !!

REVISITING RELATIONSHIPS.......How well your partner knows about you?

Here is the second part of the assessment. What you think, how well your partner knows about you?

- All about me or

-Not all about me.

REVISITING RELATIONSHIPS........... HOW WELL YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR PARTNER?

Assess your knowledge about your partner...............

REVISITING RELATIONSHIPS...........(Negative Emotions-part- II)

Revisiting Relationships………….

Starting a relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!

This statement may appear negative but this is what relationships are, learning to live with each other.

Each partner has some expectations from the other. But when expectations are not met, disagreement and conflict arise. This is very normal. Even in happy relationships partners experience negative emotions. How partners react and resolve the disagreement and conflict determines the quality of their relationship.

As mentioned in the previous blog on Revisiting Relationship, harsh start of an argument and criticism block the way of effective conflict resolution.

This is how it happens. One partner criticizes, over-generalizes the behavior, (“you always”, “you never”) judges and blames the other partner for the current and all previous conflicts in the relationship.

The other partner becomes defensive and counter-attacks the first partner. This counter-attack triggers a chain reaction of counter-attacks.

It the process partners forget to resolve the issue. This unresolved issue then acts as a reinforcer for future criticism and counter-attacks.

Defensiveness damages the relationship as partners refuse to take the responsibility of the conflict.

Sometimes the one who is being attacked may take the responsibility of mistake, passes the blame on the partner for not stopping him/her from making the mistake. Attacked partner plays the role of an “Innocent Victim.” This could be as simple as--

“I forgot to buy grocery because you did not remind me.” 

In a relationship when there are frequent attacks and counter-attacks then at some point one of the partners emotionally withdraws for the interactions and stonewalls; another horsemen of destruction.

Researchers have found that men stonewall and women criticize more.

Men usually use stonewalling to reduce the intensity of conflict. When women stonewall then it is a clear indication that she has emotionally disengaged herself from the relationship.

In all relationships partners make mistakes, they don’t fulfill all the expectations all the time, they criticize, they defend themselves and they stonewall.

But the quality of their relationship depends on how effectively they repair the damage.

In a way, “no-negative-emotion” may suggest disengaged partners. Partners, who have suppressed their conflicts, frustrations and sadness. They are like strangers living under the same roof but leading parallel lives.

The most damaging horseman of destruction is contempt.

Criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling can be repaired but when contempt comes in, it destroys the mutual bond of trust, love and respect.

Contempt is a strong feeling of disapproval of one’s partner with a tinge of disgust. One of the partners may consciously or sub-consciously feel that his/her partner is below standard and it is no need to give attention and show concern & respect.

Contempt is expressed in so many ways. It is conveyed through teasing, sarcasm, insult, name-calling, hostile humor, facial expressions, tone of voice, and rolling one’s eyes.

An example of hostile humor is “you are a jerk, you cannot even do this.”

Relationships are bundle of positive and negative emotions. The core of fulfilling relationship is mutual respect. If partners respect each other then they can deal with negative emotions. 

REVISITING RELATIONSHIPS........... (Negative Emotions- part-1)

A man went to a marriage therapist………

Man-         “Whenever my wife and I fight, she becomes historical.”

Therapist- “You mean she becomes hysterical.”

Man-         “No, she becomes historical. She recalls everything I did wrong in the past.”

Do you relate to this man? Do you feel that this is exactly what happens when you have a tiff with your partner?

If yes, then let it be known you are not alone. There are so many couples who feel the same way. Rather every couple faces communication challenges in their relationship.

People have difference of opinion, difference in choices, difference in perceiving things, and difference in doing things. The basic reason that people differ in so many ways is that they are separate individuals and so they are bound to be different from each other.

When two individuals join in a relationship, they bring their uniquenesses with them. Someone rightly pointed out that ‘starting a relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!’

Relationships are a bundle of positive and negative emotions. Absence of negative emotions is not an indicator of loving relationship. Rather it is a sign that something is not right. 

In fact, how couples express and deal with their negative emotions determines the quality of their relationship to a great extent.

All partners have certain expectations from each other. When one partner does not respond or act in the expected way the other partner feels frustrated/ irritated/ angry.

Now the first partner reacts in either ways-

1.  He/she brings up the matter and discusses it with the other partner and both together resolve the issue.

2.  He/she suppresses the negative emotions and does not discuss the matter with his/her partner.

3. He/she brings up the issue and to support his/her point, start giving examples from the past and start blaming and judging the other partner like “you always”, “you never.”

 The first way is the ideal way.

The second way seems like a good way to maintain the harmony, but actually in the long run may create emotional distance between partners.

The last way, as mentioned in the earlier article is one of the horsemen of destruction, which is criticism.

Researchers have found that when one partner starts the argument in a harsh way and criticizes and blames the other partner then the other partner becomes defensive and may emotionally withdraw from the first partner.

If partners learn to complain about the specific behavior of the partner rather than blaming and criticizing the partner then they can effectively deal with their differences.  

I know the suggestion is easier said than followed.

Take one step towards a more loving and fulfilling relationship!!