Couple Therapy- Addressing Separation & Divorce.

Separation and divorce are very sensitive issues. For a couple seeking separation or divorce and even for therapist, it’s a delicate matter.

For a therapist divorce is a process and not an event. This is more true if the couple has children.

Therapist considers separation and divorce as a transition and so his/her first task is to ascertain whether this transition is avoidable or not.

Whatever the couple decides, to stay together or separate, the therapist’s first focus is on improving communication and increasing understanding between the partners. This process provides the opportunity of reconciliation between the partners for deciding to stay together but this also creates an environment for emotional and psychological healing should the partners separate.

Generally, the desire to separate is not mutual and so it has to be recognized that there is a ‘Leaver’ and a ‘Left’ partner and the therapist has to deal with an imbalance of emotions of the partners.  

In case the couple decides to separate, the goal of therapy becomes making partners realize the importance of developing a mutual relationship based on acceptance and forgiveness.

In a way, it is to make the couple understand that divorce does not mean an end of relationship, rather it means re-relating to each other but in a different way, especially so when children are involved.

Separation of parents is very stressful for children. But when partners separate in the above mentioned way, children adjust much faster and may agree that their parents have done the right thing.

In situations where partners lose all respect and love for each other, when there is verbal, physical and mental abuse and there is no hope to regain love and respect, divorce is justifiable. Such separations are rather beneficial for children.

It is a fact that therapeutic mediation helps couples to have a successful transition so that there are minimal psychological after-effects of separation.

Examination- 'Only way to golden door to bright future............is it really ? Part II

Every year during and after the examination many students contemplate or take the extreme step of taking their own life. Mostly it comes as a shock to parents and teachers.

Examination stress is real. Don’t assume that once the examination is over stress will go away on its own. Do not assume that “my child cannot harm himself/herself.”

It may not go away if the student develops psychological pain due to loss of self-esteem and failure to live up to parental expectations.

Suicidologist, Shneidmen, explained that “In almost every case, suicide is caused by… psychological pain, or “psycheache”…. Suicidal death, in other words, is an escape from pain….” Psychache is the hurt, anguish, or ache that takes hold in the mind…. The pain of excessively felt shame, guilt fear anxiety, loneliness, angst and dread…….. It’s introspective reality is undeniable. Suicide happens when the psychache is deemed unbearable and death is actively sought to stop the unceasing flow of painful consciousness.”

It’s is very important for parents, teachers and other significant people in student’s life to notice any warning signs and take help.

A marked change is student’s mood and behaviour may be a significant warning of possible suicide. For example student-  

·         Becomes depressed and withdrawn.

·         Undergoes marked decline in self-esteem.

·         Shows Deterioration in personal hygiene.

·         Shows unusually impulsive and or reckless behaviour, including self mutilating.

·         Gives away prized possessions, or unusual gift-giving.

·         Writes  stories and poems about death, dying, or suicide

·         Profound loss of interest in studies.

·         Stops attending classes and stays at home most of the day or runs away from home.

·         Communicates the distress to at least one other person, often in the form of a veiled suicide warning.

·         Saying things like, “I’d be better off dead,” “I wish I could disappear forever,” or “There’s no way out.”

·         Speaking positively about death or romanticizing dying (“If I died, people might love me more”)

The impact of examination stress increases many fold if there are other stressful events happening in the student’s life like loss of a close interpersonal relationship, often the breakup of a romantic relationship, accident, illness or death in the  family etc.

So it’s high time to come out of denial that your child or student will never think about taking the extreme step.

Our awareness can save many precious lives.

Reference: Abnormal Psychology- James N. Butcher ; 13^th ed.

     

Examination- ‘Only way to golden door to bright future’……………Is it really?

The word Examination itself creates a lot of stress and anxiety in the minds of young adults, their parents and teachers.

The most affected are the young adults. They start dealing with this, right from the time they begin their schooling. By the time they reach high school, examination-related stress, anxiety and tension increase multiple folds.

• Examinations are stressful because students have to understand, learn, remember and recall a lot of information in a limited time.

• Examinations are stressful because students and not just their knowledge will be judged based on their performance in those just three hours in the examination hall.

• Examinations are stressful because of the expectations of the parents, relatives and society and the pressures built up by them.

• Examinations are stressful because of the personal aspirations, expectations of students and the prevailing extreme competition.  

• Examinations are stressful as these are assumed to be the only way to open the golden doors to a bright and successful future.

Parents and teachers in their effort to motivate and maintain the pressure on students constantly tell them that -

If you score well your life will be set.

If you don’t work hard, others will outshine you.

If you don’t perform well in exams you will struggle all through your life.

What people will say if you don’t do well in exams?

           

You have to perform well in exams and bring honour to the family.

You have to score well and fulfil our dreams.

You are our only hope, don’t disappoint us.

Our neighbour’s/relative’s children have done well so you have to do well too.

If you are not able to get an admission in a professional college what will you do to earn a respectable income?

These and other such anxiety and guilt ridden statements may usually be bombarded on the young and impressionable minds, as early as in the first grade.

Some students who are either sensitive, or think they do not have enough capability to meet their parents’ expectations, or do not have an inclination to become a doctor or an engineer may start feeling guilty.

Constant persuasive reminders to perform well in exams may lead them to feel worthless, helpless and hopeless.

As a result these students may start contemplating to end their pain by ending their lives.

As parents, teachers and relatives, if you are able to remove the pain of those students, you may be able to save many precious and promising lives.

The foremost step you can take is to challenge your own deep-rooted insecurities and unrealistic expectations. World has drastically changed. There are so many options and opportunities. Team up with your children and explore the possibilities in the area of their interest.

The other step you can take is to find out positive ways to motivate your young ones. Instilling fear of failure may demoralize and discourage the youth. It may also affect their creativity, spontaneity and risk taking ability.

Examination stress is real. Don’t assume that once the examination is over your child will be fine or assume that ‘my child cannot harm himself/herself.’

Every year hundreds of students commit suicide. In most of the cases it comes as a shock to parents and teachers. Know about the warning signs and be alert. A timely intervention may save the life of your child.

Continued……….